Real Lives
Roz
I don't think I was born bad. Well, at least no worse than the average person. In fact, as a young child I had a close friendship with Jesus.
But then something happened. Something bad. A spirit of rebellion took hold of my life. And then I became really bad.
St Paul (of cathedral fame!) calls himself "the chief of sinners". Since this is written in the Bible I guess it must be right, but he explained that he "acted in ignorance and unbelief".
I can claim no such excuse. I plunged headlong – eyes wide open – into a life of sin, knowing what was right but determined to do what was wrong.
Was it fun? You bet your boots it was! Sin is fun. If it wasn't, there'd be no takers, would there??? Loads of laughter, thrills and spills, danger and excitement. I lived for the moment and to hell with the consequences. But, there's a catch!
Sin always comes with a heavy price tag. The lifestyle I chose etched deep wounds in my psyche. I found it hard to silence my conscience. Many thoughts and memories were too painful to recall and I battened them down firmly. But if I was caught in an occasional quiet moment alone, they would burst out of the dungeon where I kept them, they would flood into my conscious and torment me till I thought I was going insane.
Some memories were so painful that I buried them at the very bottom and I still have blank spots in my recall. (Psychologists have a fancy name for this type of amnesia.)
Worst of all, deep down inside of me – at the very core of my being – was an aching loneliness and void. A sense of hopelessness, futility and despair. It lay so deep that nothing could touch it - that utter meaninglessness of life.
Nevertheless, I kept right on. Because I was making conscious choices to go against everything I knew to be right, I was at war with myself. A civil war raging right inside of me.
I was at war with God. As a young child I knew Jesus. I knew he had called me to follow him and I was running as hard as I could in the opposite direction, afraid of what he might require of me.
Now, if you were God, what would you have done? Probably, you'd have shrugged your shoulders and said, "Be it on your own head". (You may even have sent a lightening bolt or two to help me on my way!)
But – wonder of wonders – instead of blasting me off the planet, God came in search of me! Can you believe that?
He began by sending his people, Christians, across my path. Many prayed for me. Some befriended me. Slowly, I began to recognise that this Christianity thing was real and that it worked!
Gradually, a change began to take place deep inside me. It was a process that took years. After all, God had a mammoth task on his hands to break that spirit of rebellion once and for all! But he did it. He took away my rebellion and he healed the hurt that had caused it.
He never accused me, never condemned me, never put me down. Instead, he accepted me just as I was and he loved me. Oh, how he loved me!
That great love melted my stony heart. Jesus once said about a sinful woman, "Her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much; but he who has been forgiven little loves little." God has forgiven my many, many sins and he has won my heart completely.
He took away my guilt and shame and gave my life dignity, so I can hold up my head and look anyone in the eye. I no longer have to drown out my thoughts, because Jesus has removed the pain from every memory. I don't have to live a lie and cover up my actions, because the whole of my life is in the light. Best of all, life now has a meaning, a purpose and a destiny.
I seldom look back to those days, but when I do I can scarcely identify with the person I used to be. The Bible says, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation," and that is my experience. The old life has passed away, it has been crucified with Jesus, it is dead and buried and that's where it will stay!
In its place is a brand new me. Jesus has washed away all of that old dirt and given me a new life, a clean sheet, a fresh start.
As I look back now, I wonder what the attraction of my old life could possibly have been. Just like St Paul, I consider all of my old life (even the good bits) as no more than a heap of dog poo compared with the riches of knowing Jesus. Just like St Paul, I can say from the bottom of my heart that, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."
He had a lot of good things to say – that St Paul. No wonder they named a cathedral after him. You can read some of the stuff for yourself in the Bible. Try reading the Book of Romans. You'll be amazed!